[On Monday, the 21st day of june, 1999, Joan Jett-Blakk, a san francisco drag performer, announced her run for mayor against incumbent willie brown. Six nights earlier, charlie danger and his friend nico met with Joan Jett-Blakk in nico's apartment on church and market (soon to be renamed Harvey Milk Street?). It was well past midnight when the tape recorder began to roll (as did Joan)...] ON CATHOLIC SCHOOL and DAVID BOWIE: charlie danger: so i'm here smoking pot with the only presidential candidate that i've ever smoked pot with... joan jett-blakk: probably the only presidential candidate that anybody that's reading this magazine's ever smoked pot with. who is this? Cubby...cubby...cubby story? cd: the cubby missalette. jjb: the cubby missalette. okay. is this gonna be gospel then? cd: of course. jjb: all right then...now where - how did you come by this name the cubby missalette? cd: well, the missalette is a catholic church... jjb: i know. i almost became a priest, baby. cd: you were catholic? jjb: i was raised catholic. i went to catholic school for nine years. cd: thirteen here. jjb: AND i was the only black kid in the class the first five - first through fifth grade. And it was wonderful. You know why it was wonderful? Because I learned early that if you are nice and you volunteer for things, nobody can fuck with you. i was teacher's pet every year. i sat in the front row; i volunteered for everything. Sister would let ME - you know - watch the class when she went out for a minute, and i would tell on anybody... cd: You jerk. jjb: and people say, didn't you get beat up? i'm like, "beat up"? i'm the only black kid in school. you can't beat me up. i'm the most visible motherfucker on earth. cd: so that would make sense that you'd want to become a priest, then, because that's just taking that thinking to the extreme. jjb: well, you know - no. You know why i wanted to become a priest? Because after sex education class in the ninth grade, i was horrified at the thought, because i never had - i wasn't one of those kids that - i was eighteen before i had my first orgasm. nico: huh? jjb: i was. Eighteen. And didn't even know i had a dick until i was eighteen. You know... But I saw this sex ed, and i thought, that's the most disgusting thing i've ever heard of in my life. I still can't imagine my parents doing that. And I knew that no one would ever want to do that with me. So i thought, well, i'll be a priest, 'cause i know they don't have sex. You know - okay, then you have the school; you have the convent; and then you have the rectory. The rectory is a huge house that only he lives in. He drives a Lincoln; he does well; he's got an easy job. cd: Yeah, he's got it set. jjb: But the only...you know what stopped that for me - being a priest? cd: Uhhh... jjb: David Bowie. I saw a picture of David Bowie in the library, 'cause i used to go to the ... Public Library so i wouldn't get beat up by the neighborhood kids. So I'd hide in the library and read Vogue Magazine, Architectural Digest magazine, and that's how i found out about Rolling Stone, and I was dreaming of this life that was beyond where i was, even though i didn't grow up poor - but i still was ready for something else. And i saw this picture of this guy David Bowie, and i couldn't - he was so beautiful. He looked like a girl and a boy and everything rolled up, and I bought the single "Space Oddity" which had come out - which was a big hit for him in '69, but it was re-released in '72, and i saw this in late '72, early '73, and it was all over. I went and I - right from there, i discovered Andy Warhol and [snaps three times in quick succession] everything. The whole world just opened up for me ... and before you know it, i'm coming home with, you know , like, no eyebrows and silver platform boots, and my parents were like, who are you? okay? 'Cause my parents were actually very supportive; they didn't like to lose it. You know, i have really wonderful parents, and i totally discovered myself and came out and started my whole world because of David Bowie. And [pauses to listen to the sound of someone skateboarding on the street below] ... Skatedar ... Skatedar, baby. Sorry... ON SKATEDAR and FEET: jjb: at work, i said something about Skatedar, and i said, as a matter of fact, here comes somebody right now. And they were like, How did you...Oh my god! And i'm like, I told you...I can hear a skateboard when they're carrying it. They don't have to be riding. And one of the presents you can always bring me - a skate magazine. I love skate magazines. cd: Oh yeah? jjb: In fact, I'm looking for old ones from the 'sixties, because back then, skateboarding - most all of it was done ... cd: Naked. jjb: Barefoot. cd: Ah-hah. nico: Ooh! Barefoot. jjb: Yeah. In fact, they still do it now on longboards. nico: Yeah. jjb: So I was wet. And it's interesting, because I was just talking about how i didn't know anything about sex, but i was fascinated with that at - the earliest was, like, eight years old - i was fascinated at seeing unshod ... you know ... people - men, boys. And I didn't understand what it - you know - and it translates to what people now call a fetish, which i hate that word. I like the word proclivity. It's nicer. But it's also why i took a reflexology course twenty years ago, because now i'm able to translate something like that into something that's not necessarily sexual but sensual. And it was a way to direct that energy, because i didn't know - you know, people still make fun of me because of it. I mean, you're laughing now. It was because it's kind of a goofy thing - people think of it as. But - and it's interesting because that's one of the ways that i approach a lot of things that i do is i think that they're - I think that other people think that they're goofy, but i still do it, because i kind of... nico: because you should. jjb: i should. i mean, that's the way i am. do you have an ashtray, darling? let me fire this up, man. Fire the ganja, you know? ON BEING "THE OTHER": jjb: another thing that being the only black kid in school taught me is how to be "the Other". so i learned early how to be "the Other" and how to use that for your benefit. I've never feared being "the Other". ON FAG CULTURE: [shows us his Nat Sherman Fantasia cigarettes, which come in colorful pastel colors] jjb: is that queer or what? ... You can have your cigarettes match your outfit. Is that queer or what? They're kind of rainbow colors. And I know how a lot of people feel about the rainbow flag and everything, especially you young kids, but let me tell you something. Back in 1978,when that was first around ... cd: tell me about '78. jjb: ...and you saw a rainbow flag somewhere, it was so cool. it was like, oh my god, there's another gay person. And in '78 ... nico: i'm sure it was the biggest thrill ever. jjb: it was a great thrill - yeah. and the marketing of the flag had nothing to do with what it really meant, you know. nico: well, i mean, it's a completely different story then as it is now. It is completely marketing now. jjb: Well, you know what i want to invent, though ... Rainbow Toilet Paper - "So you can wipe your ass with Pride." Isn't that great? nico: But you should do it. jjb: I'm gonna have to do it now. I just mentioned it in a magazine. Some rich fuck's gonna read this and do it. I also - you know, you heard about my breakfast cereal for urban negroes - Nut 'n' Bitch. "What you eatin' down there?" "Nut'n' Bitch!" Okay? cd: i think that's funny. jjb: Oh, yeah. And my very own scent - my very own scent - my Joan Jett Blakk scent called Eau Mi Gawd, but it's spelled E-A-U-M-I-G-A-W-D. Okay? The strongest cologne ever ... but you wanted to talk about the mayoral campaign, right? cd: well, this is all connected. jjb: It sure the fuck is. It sure the fuck is. now you know i ran for mayor of chicago, don't you? cd: (giggling and slurring words) I didn't know that. Tell me about this. jjb: Boy, a couple puffs, and she's gone ! ... We wanted to do something big with Queer Nation in Chicago. And I'm talking about ... Queer Nation fell apart because of all the fucking meetings that they had, right? Fuck that. We wanted to start the Queer Jihad. We put up stickers that said, "The Queer Jihad is Watching You". People were like, "What the fuck?" We wanted to eliminate Heterosexuality - Eliminate it. cd: Yeah, that's nice. jjb: We were like, Heterosexuals will be severely punished. Okay? You better act like a sissy; you better walk like a sissy. Also, I'm the president of the QRA - the Queer Rifle Association. cd: Okay, wait. So you ran in Chicago ... jjb: For Mayor. cd: with these ideas backing you up. jjb: Some of them, yes. cd: Wow. jjb: Because it was Queer Nation. cd: That's crazy. jjb: But I also ran against Rich Daley, and we actually made history. I'm still mad about this, because we ... nico: Mayor Daley? jjb: Yes, but his son - Rich Daley. nico: His son. cd: who are they? jjb: Big Chicago politicos. He - his father ran the city for umpteen years. cd: like Al Capone or something. nico: Mayor Daley, 1968. jjb: Yeah, he was an asshole. He was the one who made that happen. cd: What? jjb: And Skip - my lover Skip - was in that! cd: What - '68? jjb: '68. Do your History, child! '68...1968...the riots at the Democratic Convention in Chicago! Hello! This interview is not gonna be about a history lesson, but you need to ... nico: i'll tell you later. jjb: Yeah, and i'll tell you later, too. But good Heavens, child...But...And in Chicago, nobody had ever done anything like this. So the media ate it up. They were like, oh my god, a black drag queen's running for mayor! And I got to say things like, you know, health care for everybody, because I say so. nico: like the truth. jjb: Yeah. The truth. You know? Which never works as politics. It becomes political satire. And I was very happy because I'd originally - I had been doing drag since '74. I did my first drag show on Halloween, 1974. I was already in *the theatre *. And I entered a drag contest, and I won just like that, which i didn't expect to do. And i started doing shows on the weekend while i was still in high school. because back then, the drinking age was eighteen, so i moved out of my parents house; i was living in a home that was run by the Gay Liberation Front back then; and i was already going to other high schools my last year in high school - going to other high schools in the Detroit area talking about being a gay youth. So i was already politically involved in 1975 and - which was very interesting, because i couldn't - i mean, i had to find a way to - because i couldn't - i had to find a way to take this and make it, you know - i just couldn't stop running my mouth, you know what i mean? But you know, when people wanted volunteers to do stuff, i was like, okay, i'll do it. So eventually, I was real glad to be able to turn my drag from entertainment into political satire and to be able to take it that far. So i started wearing suits, you know? And i actually did campaign. I actually did file and went around the city and campaigned, because people would eat it up. nico: and what was the filing status there? jjb: you just had to go and file. nico: that's it? you didn't have to, like, get so many signatures or pay some money?* jjb: no, no money...just go and file. And i got almost 6000 votes. In a city of 8 million people, that's not bad, you know. And, you know, even the whole history - don't get me started on the history of voting and why voting is fucked up, so then in the next couple years ... '92 - a presidential election. Well, hello? You know what I do? I ran for president of the United States ... and i got on - i did one interview at a radio station in Chicago, public radio in Chicago. and within two weeks, i did thirty interviews with different radio stations around the world - Australia; England; Dublin, Ireland, and all over the country... * San Francisco law requires mayoral candidates to pay a filing fee of nearly $3000 or, in lieu of that, to collect close to 12,000 signatures, each name being counted by the city as 25 cents. ON THE PLATFORMS OF a PRESIDENT: jjb: i did an interview with a guy here ... and he was like, Joan Jett Blakk, so you're running for (President) - why? And i'm like, because i can; it's america. and he said, well, i'd like to run for president, too, but i don't have a dress. and i said, you live in san francisco; go get a dress. what the Hell? You know, and then - it was really fun to have people - they start asking you stupid questions, but then i have an answer for everything. They said, Well what would you do about homelessness? And I said, all the empty housing in this country? Homeless people should live there. Well, what about Gay rights? And i said, you think Gay rights is gonna be a problem if i'm elected president? Gays in the military was a big issue, and i'd be like, first of all, we'd abolish the military. i would switch the military budget with the education budget. Okay? The education budget is like thirty million dollars; the military budget is like seventy trillion. Make the military have bake sales, right? Fuck this. Besides, we would have Dykes on Bikes patrolling our borders. Who's gonna fuck with them? ... And I would go into the United Nations - you know that big, beautiful, curved room they have? I would make them all wear the costumes of their native countries - okay? - which is goofy anyway ... nico: but like they should, though. it would be beautiful. jjb: Okay? And...pass the best pot in the world around in this room, and then, you know what would happen? World peace, baby. They'd be like, you know, i love that hat. Where'd you get that hat? Oh, my goodness! Oh, let's go get something to eat! Oh, let's...you know what i mean? it would be world peace [snaps] just like that. And besides, any world leader that would defy me - i've got - you know, Air Force One would be the stealth bomber - the Joan Jett Blakk Jet Black Jet. I'd sneak up on their ass, and i'd be like, Milosevic, come here, man. Come here. Come here. Come here. BAP! Okay, like, BAP! I would kick some ass. i don't have time for that. i would be on the floor. anybody that defied me, i'd be on the floor; they'd be like, oh shit, here she comes. okay? ... I'm also the president of the Partnership for a Free Drug America. Did you take out a student loan to go to school? I'd give you all that money back. First of all - number one - it's ridiculous to pay for an education in this country when it means almost nothing. Second of all, remember the savings and loan scandal? Ivan Boesky, Charles Keating, George Bush, Jr. Hello? Nobody remembers this. They stole billions of dollars. If they can still be alive, then you can have a break, too. nico: Yeah, i remember that shit. jjb: you know, people don't remember. americans have this short ... they're gullible and they're kind of slow. nico: they have a lot of brainwashing. jjb: Totally! ON the BRAINWASHING of AMERICA: jjb: It's amazing! It is amazing and frightening, the amount of brainwashing. And I must congratulate all of us, 'cause here we sit not brainwashed, and it's hard not to be in this culture. it's really hard not to be in this culture. it's really hard not to be. you can't fall for anything, because they'll have you. they really will have you. nico: because it's straight-up in your face. jjb: everyday. and it's the culture. and you know how they start with that, don't you? Santa Claus. If they can convince a five-year-old child that this huge fat man comes in your house - and everybody else's house in the whole world - with reindeer that fly... nico: it's lies from the beginning. jjb: lies from the beginning. and i was a skeptical child. when i went to see santa claus and there were three of them, i was like, um, can i see santa claus, please? and they were like, well, these are santa's helpers. i'm like, well, sorry, i don't want to see santa's helpers. and being catholic, they teach - you know, i was an altar boy, and i was on the altar when i looked up and i thought, okay, this thing that comes in a box had better well turn into somebody's flesh, or i'm getting the Hell - or i'm not believing any of this. 'Cause as you start to become - learn about other things, you think, why are we eating somebody's flesh? what's up with that? But then you find out that catholocism - christianity stole everything from other religions and made it their own ... Christmas is the winer solstice; Easter - and okay - Easter - the Easter Bunny? they didn't try Santa Claus; they weren't gonna try the Easter Bunny with me. i'm like uh-uh, no. No big rabbit brings me plastic grass, ma. nico: but the whole - both of those are just Pagan. jjb: Yeah, they were Pagan traditions, and they turned them around. nico: Just to wipe it out. jjb: Yeah, just to wipe it out. And they're good at it. They're really good at it. I was saying just recently, Why are we bombing Kosovo? We should be bombing the Vatican. ON STRAIGHT BOYS and SEX: jjb: You're gonna have so much fun transcribing this one. cd: no shit. oh, man! i've gotta do it in a day, too. jjb: well, i'm glad we got to do it tonight - just get it over with. cd: yeah. thank you. jjb: oh, it's fun. how much longer do you want to go? cd: oh, we've got two sides. i bought a tape. jjb: it's your magazine, isn't it? cd: Yeah, me and brian, the cubby creatures. jjb: who's brian? is he cute? cd: he's straight. jjb: So? cd: so... jjb: i love straight boys. Straight boys are very easy lays, you know. cd: not the ones i know. jjb: you have to get them really drunk, get them really fucked up, and show them porn. Straight boys love porn. And show them cocksucking, because most of the girls they go out with don't suck dick. Really. Or they don't suck dick well. And straight boys don't have nearly as much sex as gay boys do. cd: Hmm. jjb: So they see sex like that, and they're like, Wow! They're easy. They're almost easier than gay boys... cd: Wow. jjb: 'cause gay boys, you know - [in exaggerated sissy voice] What do you like to do? You know? And i'm kind of - i probably seem like i'm kind of boring, because i'm not really interested in - you know - like butt sex scares me to death. Scares me to death! I'm like, Ew! But that's also probably why i'm still here at 42. cd: That's why you're so old, you know? jjb: that's why i'm so old, 'cause I - no butt sex. (part two) missalette 7