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Update 132
Vice President Cheney Shoots Man
For a moment on Sunday it felt like a whole new world had suddenly begun,
a world where the absurdity presented as truth became even more transparently absurd than it
had been just a minute ago, which was really saying something.
The Sunday Evening News seemed to be representative
of the strangest day in the history of the Bush Administration.
the moment that will be told about Bush's administration as long as tales of American presidents-and Bush's administration in particular--
are told had transpired the day before and was only just now being found out about.
They were quail hunting.
[Cubby scholars were quick to pick up the connection between quail and Quayle, the vice president under the first George Bush, the current George Bush's father. Quayle was a much-mocked figure who was painted by "liberal" opposition as a dolt and bandied about as a sort of boogie man presidential alternative.
While Quayle's ineffectivity level remains arguable, Cubby hypothesisers have speculated about Quayle's use by Republican operatives as a counterpoint to the first George Bush. By offering up a buffoon, Republicans created a sort of automatic knee-jerk sense of appreciation for the first George Bush in the minds of a frightened and incredulous populace. ]
In the following week the story would develop. The shot man, referred to by
cunning liberals as "the victim," would go on to have a heart attack. The vice president
would not end his public silence about the matter until Wednesday.
--Roderick Hairbrux
2.15.06 11:03 pmest
Update 131
Expectations of the Damned
Chapter Three
WASHINGTON (DP)--President Bush announced today new economic measures designed to boost the economy. He announced the outlawing by executive order all reading activity among the members of the workforce. He deemed a new class of citizen, designated W-3, which includes all those working for hourly wages.
"Reading is a useless activity for so many in our society. It is a shame to see so much time wasted," the President said.
The measure stipulated that all members of class W-3 must immediately cease reading books, newspapers, and magazines. Persistent offenders will be required to report to a university of the government's own choosing to have expert faculty members screw up their reading ability. Reporters asked the President whether the faculties of the major universities could handle all the W-3s who might persist in reading.
"Well, there's always the old sharp stick in the eye," Bush said.
Reporters asked the President if the measure would really bring economic efficiency. The President responded that it worked for the Confederacy.
"After all, we been dummying-down the population for years now, mind-fucking every hippie-intellectual we could flush out. See how good things are?" the President said.
Reporters asked whether there weren't a lot of people who liked to read. Bush said all the ideas in books would just make the workers unhappy.
"Readin' ain't no big thing. Hell, I don't read and look how far I got. We have to protect the workers' minds against the liberal dogma poison, and this is the best way. A man's mind should be on his work. But not to worry--there's plenty of men over there at Halliburton who can read real nice if anything needs readin'." Bush said.
One reporter pointed out that reading and self-education has always been a way of self-improvement for the disadvantaged.
"Why don't they try going in the military? Lots of poor boys have gone in the service and come out doctors, lawyers and Indian Chiefs." Bush said.
The press conference concluded with a report of today's fighting in Iraq.
--Jim K
12.06.05 7:31amest
Update 130
Expectations of the Damned
Chapter Two
PANAMA CITY, Panama (Disassociated Press)-- President Bush on Monday defended U.S. interrogation practices and called the treatment of terrorism suspects lawful. "We do not torture," Bush declared in response to reports of secret CIA prisons overseas, proving once and for all that terror suspects were not harmed in any way. The comments came among growing criticism of U.S., many calling the interrogation process "medieval". But Bush proved today that there was no torturing of prisoners by saying "We do not torture." The comments came as a welcome relief to many Americans who were starting to suspect that the reports of torture were true.
"I'm glad the truth finally came out today. All this business of torturing prisoners..." said Millie Cooper of Ft. Wayne, Indiana, referring to the comment. "Everybody trying to lie about the President. I'm glad he finally proved them wrong."
Bush supported an effort spearheaded by Vice President Dick Cheney to block or modify a proposed Senate-passed ban on torture. Cheney is seeking to persuade Congress to exempt the Central Intelligence Agency from the proposed torture ban if one is passed by both chambers.
"We're working with Congress to make sure that as we go forward, we make it possible, more possible, to do our job," Bush said, adding, "The administration has offered to agree to prohibit postal employees from engaging in torture in exchange for exempting the CIA."
Bush spoke at a news conference with Panamanian President Martin Torrijos on the same day the U.S. Supreme Court agreed to consider a challenge to the administration's military tribunals for foreign terror suspects. President Torrijos proved his country free of torture also by saying "No torturamos."
Outside the conference an American, Sheldon Goldberg, a real estate broker from Miami, said he was glad the Presidents finally proved the claims of torture wrong. "After all, who knows more about torture than me." He said. He told us he was a prisoner of war during the Viet Nam War and was subject to unclean table utensils, and cold, tasteless food.
-Jim K
11.07.05 7:27pmest
Update 129
Expectations of the Damned
It was the strangest of times. It was the most fucked up of times. The eerie silence, which came over the nation five years ago, was now deepening. The sense of despair was more palpable, the forlorn look in the eye of the passerby was becoming more pronounced, while the headlines proclaimed a roaring economy. The wealthy were foregoing the boutique supermarkets, for the mid-market food chains of the frugal working class; mixing with their minions to save a buck; the ultimate sign of a distressed economy.
A final major storm of the season had come and gone, leaving its destructive wake. It was a season of monumental natural disaster; hurricanes wiping out major cities, tsunami taking masses of humanity to the sea; earthquakes swallowing peoples; all the telltale signs of end times. But somehow, the natural disasters were a refreshing relief, from the constant nagging anxiety of a manmade nuclear conflagration, lurking, perhaps coming from a hapless band of hopeless punks, a starving oriental dictatorship, or perhaps even from the gutted frame of a one-time superpower, a tumultuous refrain echoing from a cold war, long thought over.
The Chief Executive had withdrawn his nominee for the top court--a petite holy roller who was his personal counsel. She had never served a day as magistrate in a traffic court but she was Godly and a really swell person. The Upper House was looking for someone a little more established. So the Chief Executive put out a call to scour the nation for legal talent. Perhaps an ad in The Times would go like this "Wanted-Supreme Court Justice. Flexible hours, 401k, job security. Inquire Executive Mansion. Strict constructionists only need apply."
He was now the loneliest person on earth. His grand schemes had brought the world to ruin. He sat a prisoner of his own nightmare--an apocalyptic biblical vision raced through his head, as the world went to the brink. To his horror, the world had now assumed the state of the dark vision in his mind. He sat alone, nervously flicking salt off a jumbo pretzel with his thumbnail, as he prayed for God's guidance.
The drama was now enveloping the smallest in society, and touched ever part of Earth, except southern California, where they are happily unaware of any such ugliness. The loving sunshine reassures, and bleaches from consciousness all forms of trouble. But most other places on earth sat in squalor and pestilence, crying on the wind for the largess of the Americans.
To be continued...
-Jim K
10.28.05 5:34pmest
Update 128
O'Reilly aligns himself with Al-Qaeda
SAN FRANCISCO--Fox news host Bill O'Reilly has recently expressed political and
ideological alliance with Al-Qaeda, the international anti-American terrorist group
headed by Osama bin Laden that was responsible for the 9/11 attacks on New York City
and Washington D.C. O'Reilly opined Tuesday, November 10, on his nationally syndicated
radio program The Radio Factor that if San Francisco were attacked by Al-Qaeda, he
would prefer the United States military not to come to the city's aid. He even went
so far as to encourage Al-Qaeda to blow up Coit Tower, the famous 210-foot-tall Art
Deco landmark dedicated to the firemen who saved San Francisco from the fires started
as a result of the 1906 earthquake that killed 3,000 people and nearly destroyed the
entire city. O'Reilly expressed these staunchly anti-American views in response to
San Francisco voters approving a ballot measure encouraging city officials and university
administrators to forbid military recruiters from recruiting at public high schools and
on college campuses and to create scholarships and training programs that would reduce
the military's appeal to young adults. Though the measure is a mostly symbolic gesture
and does not actually ban the recruiters from the schools, which would result in a loss
of federal aid to those schools, O'Reilly felt the gesture deserved immediate response
by Al-Qaeda in the form of a terrorist attack. Neither Westwood One, which carries The Radio Factor
in 400 markets, nor O'Reilly himself could be reached for comment so it is
unclear whether O'Reilly has actual ties to the international terrorist group, is part of
terrorist cell here in the United States, or is just an Al-Qaeda sympathizer.
brian
11.12.05 08:51pmpst
Update 127
Washington (AP)
President Bush today declared Hurricane Katrina and Act of War. He called it the worst act of terrorism in this nation's history.
Reporters at the White House were stunned by the comments. San Donaldson asked the President if the storm wasn't an Act of God?
"Of course it's an Act of God. He has brought Fire and Brimstone down upon us from the Heavens. And now I think it's time for a regime change in Heaven."
Bush vowed military intervention in Heaven "at a time of our own choosing." The stunned reporters looked nervously at eachother and then at the President for a wry smile indicateing the President was "just funnin them"
The President went on to talk about post-Heaven planning, indicating that Jerry Falwell will be installed as interim God in Heaven, at least until a new Bible could be adopted. He said one of the Lord Falwell's first acts will be the parting of the East River, to lead the yuppies out of Manhattan into the red hot real estate market in Brooklyn.
In other comments from the White House briefing room, the President said "it's about time we kicked some butt in Iran" but said any campaign against Iran would wait until after the regime change in Heaven.
"That way we can save military hardware by bringing a severe drought to Iran followed by earthquakes and floods. We'll be able to kill most of those scumbags just by praying. After all, we'll have our guy in Heaven..."
Bush then cut the news conference short to attend a luncheon at Yale.
-Jim K
9.05.05 10:25pmest
Update 126
A translation
I was so excited when I got Brian Weaver's email about my favorite record of all time being called out by some French web site. I have been a passionate defender of France and its people for years, largely on credit, as I've never actually been there. Nevertheless, I've seen French movies, and I trust those frogeaters' taste in art completely (although I can't pretend to understand the Jerry Lewis thing). So it was a double vindication for the Jolster. On the one hand my prejudice for France seems justified in the light of the fact that an actual Pierre over there seems to get this record like no American I know of outside of the cubby nuclear circle ever has. Secondly, I feel like my love for After the Deprogramming, having been echoed by a totally objective Frenchman---who apparently formed his love for the Cubby Creatures totally independently--has been proven artistically sound, and with it, so has my own taste. If a stranger in France named Pierre agrees with you, you've gotta be on to something.
Sadly, though, in spite of all this franco-enthusiasm I remain entirely unable to speak, read, or otherwise comprehend that beautiful tongue, and so I called Cubby Creature Emily, remembering her collegiate fling with French and her time spent studying in that country way back in the '90s, in the B.C. (before cubby) times, and I asked her to translate it for me, which she attempted valiantly to do but had such a hard time doing that all that came across were the obvious words that I could have figured out for myself and ten years of evident rust on her French. After my teasing her mercilessly for several minutes about the decay of her second language (to her credit, her pronunciation was still tres bien) she looked up a site that automatically translates chunks of text and she came up with the following, which is almost as hard to read as the original French--which I assume has everything to do with the translation program having trouble following all the nuances of grammar, as opposed to Pierre's being some kind of moron:
It is about the imperceptible one. Well defined
step, or then a sum of small tricks which immediately
prick curiosity and the desire for hearing some more. Is
this the name of the group, THE CUBBY CREATURES, or that of the disc, "After the Deprogramming"? Or even pretty the packaging with the paces of serigraphy...or quite simply the very beautiful intro violin and arpeggios on the entry of "Electric Goat", the splendid title opening the album.
I believe that it is not differently than this disc
came to thread in the medium of my favourites, playing
of the elbows to be introduced into the pile heavy rotation. With these wild impressions of Americana post folk, THE CUBBY CREATURES can surprise their listener while leaving regularly the way in which one would have seen them cantoner. Thus, the group ventures with the attack of particularly British pop landscapes. Their popsongs inherits as much Brian Wilson than of works of the BEATLES or the KINKS.
The light writing and the impetuous style of the quartet
maintain constant the interest and the tension of the disc. London popsong .la.mode of 68, yes, perfectly.
The CUBBY CREATURES do not miss humour. The formula
with four is constantly renewed, in particular around
the violin which takes in turn the positions of melody
of lead, harmony, or finally of soloist way overdrive
guitar.
That one is not mistaken there, "After the Deprogramming" remains largely registered all the same in the great line of psych rock'n'roll, it also going back to the Sixties and the pioneer of PINK FLOYD.
One is West coast, North California, but one cannot prevent oneself from also thinking of comparisons with numbers of groups evolving/moving them in weightlessness, more of north, of with dimensions of Portland cement, Oregon. The INVISIBLE one, BLITZEN TRAPPER, KIESKAGATO are not very far. The diversity of this second album of the CUBBY CREATURES is certainly due to its long period of gestation, more than two years, and with the renewal of the members of
the group during the period. This richness engages to
explore the past of the group (an album, maxis) and to
follow closely its next evolutions, on disc as on scene.
--Jol
09.16.05 7:59amest
Update 125
hey, check it out -- "after the deprogramming" was selected album of the week on this french site...
brian
09.12.05 2:58pmpst
Update 124
Katrina
"I felt a great disturbance in the force, as if a million voices cried out in terror..."
- Obi Wan Kenobi
I would like to take a moment and express my tremendous sorrow over the devastation
caused by Hurricane Katrina. To the victims in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama,
my heart goes out to you. I've driven
along the beautiful scenic drive in southern Mississippi with the blue waters
of the Gulf
of
Mexico
on
one side and the historic antebellum homes on the other side. I understand
those homes do not exist anymore.
I only hope their owners did not suffer the same fate. And the situation in New
Orleans is utterly tragic. My eyes fill with tears at the images on the TV of
helpless people who have lost everything
and who are forced to wait while their government figures out what to do. And
this sorrow turns to anger at the realization that our government, to whom we
unwillingly give much of our hard-earned
money in taxes, cannot respond quickly and efficiently to such a disaster. In
this day and age it is unbelievable that a desperate, hungry, tired, and broken
mass of people must wait upwards of a week for any governmental aid, while the
streets of their city, a major metropolitan center of the United States of America,
are taken over by groups of thugs, and while water continuously pours
into the historic center, the birthplace of Jazz, an American treasure, a town
rich in history, in American history and French history and Spanish history.
I know now where we the people stand in the minds of the American elite, the
ruling class. We are expendable and as long as it is not
them and
their city and their homes, there is no need for urgency. To you President Bush
and to
your administration, I offer a hardy "Screw-you!" You have failed us, and I
now know that if a terrorist attack or natural disaster strikes my city, my
home, that I
cannot count on you. You can send billions of dollars to iraq and destroy that
country's infrastructure and attempt to rebuild it, but you can't come to the
aid
of the people in your own country in a timely manner.
This is a very sad week in American history.
brian
09.03.05 12:16ampst
Update 123
Five things
1. Thanks, Catherine, for the kind words. It's really great to hear from you,
and I'm glad you're still checking in with the Cubby. 2. Jol, I checked out your
Neighborhoodies videos. They're totally great! 2. I'm so exicted about Missalette
#18, the Barely Legal issue. It's going to be great! (see below)3. I'm totally stoked about
Karl's new book You Can Say You Knew Me When (see below). Can hardly wait
to read it. 4. The SF Zine Fest was lots of fun. Emily came and kept me company
and we were at a table right next to Andrew Poisoner and Rani, who were selling
their awesome zines and comics. Lots of people came and picked up Missalettes.
And it was really funny because I made this Cubby Missalette sign, and since we
were in the back, there was a wall behind us and the sign was, like, totally huge
and kinda the first thing you saw when you walked into the Cell Space. I didn't
really mean for it to be that big, but I think it looked really big also because
there was, like, nothing else around it and it was just very prominent. And it was
really the only sign hanging up in the place. Basically you couldn't be at the Zine
Fest and not see the sign.
brian
09.02.05 10:37ampst
Update 122
My second novel, "YOU CAN SAY YOU KNEW ME WHEN, will be in stores the first week in September, and I'm celebrating with a book tour that will take me to New York for two readings. Please save the date(s)! I'd love to see you there.
Bookstore Events:
Friday, September 16, 7:30 p.m.
Reading and Signing at
Barnes & Noble, Greenwich Village store
396 Ave. of the Americas (at W. 8th St.), NYC
* Followed by a LAUNCH PARTY at Bongo
* 299 10th Ave. (at W. 27th St.)
* Join us for fantastic cocktails, oysters, seafood rolls
in a comfy lounge environment. 9 p.m. onward.
Monday, September 19, 7:30 p.m.
Reading and Signing at
Rainbows & Triangles, Chelsea
192 8th Ave. (at W. 20th St.), NYC
Advance reviews:
"Cleaning out the attic after his father's death, Jamie Garner uncovers a secret cache of papers suggesting the man his father was before he fell into the lockstep of adulthood. Armed only with few clues and his raging grief, Jamie embarks on a search for the truth of his father.
As Jamie tilts at windmills, he scorches friendships, work, and his boyfriend to seek "the authentic" through encounters with strangers in back-alley bars, an ecstasy trip with a 19-year-old runaway, and a mad wandering through the wilderness in his father's footsteps. It's a terrific story, with richly drawn characters and an uncanny sense of place--from Internet-boom San Francisco to the beatnik heyday of the '50s. Soehnlein's first book since his debut, The World of Normal Boys, is beautifully, gracefully done.
He's one of our best."
--Out Magazine
"You Can Say You Knew Me When is the sort of novel
that keeps you home on a weekend night. The lives K.M. Soehnlein gives us are wilder, braver and truer than our own. The World Of Normal Boys demonstrated he was a writer to watch. This one demonstrates why we shouldn't take our eyes off him, even for a second."
--Daniel Handler, author of Watch Your Mouth and A Series Of Unfortunate Events
Other book tour stops:
I'll be reading at bookstores throughout the U.S.: Atlanta, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Portland, Tucson, L.A., San Diego and around the San Francisco Bay Area. Please spread the word to your friends!
Details on the "Events" link at
K M S O E H N L E I N . C O M
-----------------------------------
Thanks for your support.
Karl
08.25.05 11:35pmpst
Update 121
Can you believe it? The Cubby -- through eight years of remarkably naive, often unpredictable, sometimes illicit and always under-the-underground activities -- has managed to publish 17 issues of the Missalette. That might make ours the longest running 'zine in San Francisco, if not the world.
It also means that our next edition is number 18, an age that makes us *
B_A_R_E_L_Y L-E-G-A-L *.
So that's the theme we're running with for #18: Those things that you care about, indulge in, obsess over or fear, that wobble on the borderline between legal and illegal. ... Medical marijuana? Music downloading? Dirty pics of nubile bodies? Foreign intervention waged in the name of your freedom? Dubious deductions on your taxes? Trespassing? Vandalism? Public sex? Slander? Squatting? Stalking? Drunk dialing? Underage drinking? Aggressive panhandling?
Still stumped? How about writing about that time in your life when *you* were B@r&ly L&g@l -- that post-adolescent, graduating-from-high-school, off-to-college-or-having-to-get-a-job period in your life.
Send your memories, essays, short stories, poetry, illustrations, comix, aphorisms and ideas to:
Karl
or
Brian
Deadline: October 1st (six whole weeks away... but don't wait 'til the last minute!)
Word count: Flexible, but 300-500 words is always a good range
Illustrations will be xeroxed in black and white
Page size: 8.5 x 6 in.
b*R!&y L#()L :: It's the Missalette that's so on the edge, this email
probably got sucked into your Spam Filter.
08.23.05 6:16pmpst
Update 120
i finally just wanted to say collectively that i love brian weaver. what an excellent moustachio. brian, you were there for me back in the late ninties, sending me out the love of the cubby w/ all your misalettes, emails, lps and flyers, so thank you.
you are one of the first musical groups that has ever, adn that i have ever reach out to their fans like y'all do.
i wish that i could meet you at the end o' the month, but i'm sure someday will get that chance and whatnot.
keep on rocking. and you too :jol! excellent that you're back and shit, i sent you an email, so don't auto-delete that shit motha!
excellent. keep on rocking, and to all my youngbloods out there, peace!
-catherine emily knight
08.17.05 3:58pmpst
Update 119
Have I ever mentioned that my favorite band name of all time is luv(sic). That's the best. So damn clever. I've never actually heard their music, though. Or maybe I have. Hell, I don't know.
brian
07.23.05 11:39ampst : time anomaly noted
Update 118
Hey, please tell everyone you know about my latest project, Morning Announcements for Neighborhoodies.--JO*L
08.03.05 8:40amest
Update 117
eat my butt if you must
I'm here trying to relearn the daily discharge.
Thanks to brian weaver for all the grrrrreat moderating.
He has tended well this sapling.
I hope people will send things to the discharge. It should be fun.
Yours for a free-tagging society,
Jo()l
Williamsburg sunset, Friday, July 22, 2005
Update 116
Cubby Record
friends in the cubby, friends of the cubby,
greetings from your wandering boy jol.
i'm just enjoying my first opportunity
to do some personal stuff online, and
i just wanted to use this moment to
say for the record that i absolutely love
the cubby creatures' latest musical release,
"after the deprogramming."
i have been intending for a long time to
write a long and detailed review of this
latest cubby creatures offering, to add my
voice to the chorus of praise that is just
beginning to be sung but which i've no
doubt will be amplified and added to
as 2005 rocks on. time, however,
not seeming to be taking my side lately,
i have not been able to compose this
dreamed-of chunk of praise through
which i'd hoped to process my own awe
and joy and excitement about this record.
and so i offer this now, as something,
as some little thing only, hopefully a preface
to a bigger thing to come:
"AFTER THE DEPROGRAMMING" is my
favorite record of all time. if i had to pick five
cds with which to be stranded on a desert island,
i would ask for five copies of "after the deprogramming"
(because one never knows when the monkeys will come
down from the trees and pilfer one's valuables).
to everyone involved in making this i say thank you and
congratulations for bringing this bouncing baby
into the world. it brings new hope to my heart
and a new spring to my step (literally--i've created
a "wallet" dance that i do whenever floor space
permits!!).
to everyone who's never heard it, i urge you to
check it out.
and to everyone who with me is currently enjoying
this, i hope you'll join me in shouting from the mountain
tops and blaring it through the valleys that the era of
the cubby is upon us and that this record is a must-hear.
thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
cubby with you,
jol
06.28.05 4:34pmest
Update 115
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type the word: REM0VE in your subject line
06.21.05 1:08pmpst
Update 114
Local Grooves
Check it out! The Cubby Creatures received a favorable review of After the Deprogramming in the SF Bay Guardian.
06.01.05 11:22ampst
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