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NEW YORK -- "Word came from Tina's High Command that the Ascension Giraffe
had arrived home safely on the night of July 17, 2004," reported Friday's Tina Times. The article, the day's cover story--entitled "Home Safe"--featured several new photos of the Ascension Giraffe and this year's lucky passenger, Claude Oswald of Nexus, Tennessee. Here's a small excerpt, taken from that paper: "We're really glad to have the Ascension Giraffe back. And we're happy to welcome Claude Oswald of Nexus, Tennessee," said publicity spokesperson and longtime Head Mexican Dan Sanchez. "I think the Ascension Giraffe is an integral part of our community, and I for one look forward to many more of our conversations…and delicious dinners together." As for Mr. Oswald, he's still a little bit disoriented. "I'm still on California time," he explained. "The people here really have a jump on me, and I'm afraid I'm still trying to catch up. Either that or I'm totally discombobulated," he chuckled. The Ascension Giraffe is a mythical creature who appears in several apocryphal Christian texts that popes through the centuries have rejected on the grounds of their purported illegitimacy. The original documents, hand-written in a barely legible script, were discovered in Iraqui caves during a secret American-led oil-drilling expedition in the 1970s. They were later traded to Iran via secret underground channels in exchange for caviar. According to myth, the Ascension Giraffe "flies from the soil of the earth" every year carrying a single passenger. After an expedition through the passenger's own past and even "times long before and times long after" the passenger's existence, the Ascension Giraffe carries the passenger safely into the World of Tina, where the passenger is received as a full citizen, with all the bells and whistles therein entailed. |