by Ronald Bonemaker
This original text was found at Cubby Control. Ronald must have left it there on one of his visits. Ronald wasn't able to attend the Cubby National Convention due to a flight delay, but had himself fed live via satellite. He gave an edited, yet still very powerful version, of this speech that night. You can view that version of the speech if you go back to the Bonemaker Tribute main page and click on the last link.
Good evening, friends. My name is Ronald Bonemaker.
Tonight August 29th, 2000 you have assembled here in this great bulwark of independent music with the common intention of making a new America, a Cubby America. And I must say, you all deserve a big pat on the back for your part in making the very first cubby national convention a reality. A few weeks ago, this was only a dream. Tonight, it is a fact, an irrefutable fact that no one can deny. The Cubby Party is now a bona fide force in American politics. So like I said, pat yourselves on the back, and roll up your sleeves, because we've all gotta get our hands dirty TOGETHER and do some BIG WORK if we're gonna take down the big boys and tear down the Machine and make America a FREE country. It is with great joy that I accept the nomination of the cubby party tonight and thank you all wholeheartedly for your commitment to the Cubby ticket.
The Cubby Creatures and I seem to have many things in common, but the main reason I'm running for president as the Cubby candidate is I'm tired and the Cubby Creatures are tired of not having a choice anymore in this so-called "democratic" system. Ronald Bonemaker stands for choice, and I'm here to offer you a choice. The choice is, Do you want to help fix America by voting for me, or do you want to vote for one of those other guys and let the United States continue on its downward spiral of inevitable decay and decline? It seems like a pretty easy choice to me.
How will I fix America? you ask. Well, it won't be easy, but it can be done. First of all, we Americans need to wake up, smell the rosebuds, and take in some deep breaths. What does that mean? That means we need to stop working so hard and relax a little. If I become president I will shorten the work week to no more than four days or twenty-five hours a week, and no one would be required to work more than six hours a day. This will give us more time to sleep, hang out with our loved ones, create art and make love the truly important things in life.
I think it's also important that America also be up to par with Finland in regards to cellular technology.
In regards to education, I know some of you thing my proposal to close the schools is absurd and would mean the eternal ignorance of Americans. But I say it's the only thing we can do to protect our children from eternal ignorance. The public school system we have today is outdated and ineffectual. Classrooms are becoming increasingly too full for the kids to obtain the personal attention they need. Now, I know what you're saying, teachers. You're saying, "What about our jobs? What will we do for a living" Well, in place of schools there will be learning centers. No one will be forced to go here. The kids will only go to these learning centers if they want to. There will be teachers there who will help the kids with various art projects, knowledge development games, sports activities, computer applications, and more. Learning will be fun, and no one would be forced to learn anything they didn't want to learn.
Another thing I will do when I become president is make the Cubby Creatures my personal assistants. It is obvious, because of the fact that they have Cubby understanding, that America and myself could benefit greatly from the influence of cubby ideology. Living proof of that is, one, Suzie Potsniff, who, if you don't remember, was a hopeless wreck of a person just six months ago. She had given up all reason to do anything but sit in front of her TV and eat potato chips and drink soda pop the classic victim of America Gone Bad. Addicted to the plug-in drug, she never removed her pajamas and cared nothing about life outside of her living room.
But then the Cubbies came into her life and changed it forever. They held a telethon for her an evening of music, mayhem, madness and mindful merriment. They cared for this apathetic girl so much, they worked so hard to wake her up to the fulfilling life that awaited her if only she could take that first step and just turn off her TV and get up and dance around in the belief that life was indeed worth living. This is what the Cubby did for her and what I, with the help of the cubby, will do for the United States of America.
Suzie is here tonight, and as you will see, she has indeed changed her life for the better. Suzie is an essential reminder of the miraculous nature of the Cubby, and she will be a reminder to everyone in the United States of this miraculous nature because she is going to be my Vice President. America, meet Suzie Potsniff, cubby vice presidential candidate. Suzie, take a bow. Everyone give Suzie a pat on the back when you see her.
i am sad that i can not be with you in person tonight to celebrate this momentous occasion. the fact is, i am currently suffering from a severe groin injury that i incurred last week in the midst of some truly stunning bedroom horseplay. i will not lie to you. i am always open to a face i think is pretty, and i will not turn down a body that gets me up. now that's frank talk, i know. but my point is, i'm not going to lie about it: i'm a man, with a man's need for frequent penile stimulation. in my campaign, i intend to make this a major point and to make America realize that it's time to turn on those bedroom lights and illuminate our genitals - and our horses' genitals.
i am not a man who is impressed by money. i will not ride around in limousines. i will not fly around the world in my own private jet. rather, i will ride the bus and fly the regular old airlines. and you know how on airplanes they've got those nice seats up in front for the rich people, where the seats recline into beds and the movie screen is bigger and the food is delicately prepared and decorously presented. the folks up front get to board first, and then all the rest of us have to walk past them on our way past the curtains that divide their flying experience from ours, and we have to go further back into the cabin, where the seats are crowded together, where there is not only no leg room, but no arm room or shoulder room or room to really stretch out and enjoy the flight. now this is exactly how America is. You've got the people on one side of the curtain living in absolute splendor, and you've got the rest of us wedged in and farmed through the system like sausages. When i'm president, it's not gonna be like that anymore ... not just on airline flights, but everywhere. a man and a woman will not be treated with greater dignity because that man and woman have more money than this other man and woman. no way. when i am president, everyone will be a president; everyone will be a king and a queen; everyone will be a god, treated with reverence, respected as an equal, and treasured as a unique and utterly indispensable flavor in the national buffet.
there will be no privileged class in a cubby america, but every person will be a favorite. i know there's a lot of division right now, that it might seem to you that there's not hope to make people see differently, but i tell you, what america needs is to be educated, to be enlightened and made aware of the cubby reality. and folks, i believe that i am the man for the job. i love every one of you. i recognize every one of you as my equal. and i will dedicate my life to liberating all of us from the bounds of money and the mechanisms of the machine that keeps most of our best qualities tied up in meaningless monotony 40 hours a week. i will work hard to free us all and to make this country a free land worthy of all its P.R. to that effect; a country where every man and woman will not only be encouraged to create his or her own path and march to his or her own beat and sing his or her own song and dance his or her own dance, but also to learn to see the value in everyone else's. in a cubby america, we will learn to walk in our neighbors' shoes and to love our neighbor's wife. we will tear down statues to honor people instead of putting more up. we will concentrate on the little things, the subtle nuances that make or break a day in the life of the human being, and we will open people's hearts.
Friends, Utopia is not an impossible, impracticable ideal. It is the reality that all of us are here to create. That Utopia is ours for the taking and ours for the making. Everything is possible in the world of the cubby. This very convention is the end result of a little, tiny seed of an idea. And to me, it just goes to show that the cubby ticket is your ticket to Utopia. And, friends, let us make no bones about it: Bonemaker is your candidate.
I'd like to close now with the cubby pledge of allegiance. please feel free to join me or not depending on your taste. and for this pledge, please put your hand wherever you want to.
i pledge allegiance to the cubby and the loose collection of individuals it serves and protects
And to the ambiguity for which it stands,
multi-faceted, amorphous, and ever-becoming,
Myriad ideas expressed without fear;
With liberty, equality, independence, and freedom from criticism for all.
Good night, brave conventioneers, and good luck all around on this noble quest to claim america for the people. May the cubby be with us every one.
